Time Away

I leave this week for a quilt retreat. My sister is hosting the retreat at her home so I will also have the chance to spend some time with my Mom & Dad. I'm really looking forward to time away. In the last several months I have made a purposeful step to slow the pace of my life down. I made a list of all the things I have been or could be committed to. These included many things that I was involved in last year as well as some things that people had recently asked me to do. I decided that I could only commit to 2 or 3 things. Then I prioritized my list. It was hard to give up some things that I really do love, but I felt God's prompting to simplify and slow down my life even if it meant giving up some really good things. About the same time I did this, Rick's Dad had a heart attack while on vacation in Salt Lake City. He still isn't home (but it looks like it may be this week) and now it's been over 40 days and it's meant two trips for Rick to Salt Lake City as well as lots of other issues to deal with. I have realized that clearing my schedule of some of the clutter was a good thing to be available more here at home while Rick deals with travel and other arrangements that are needed for his parents.

So now it's finally time for me to get a little break. I will have a much needed visit with my parents, spend time with my sisters and maybe another family member or two and get some fun of a little quilting time.

Missing Leah

Today I missed Leah more than usual. Maybe it was working on a dress for my other precious granddaughter that made me think about Leah. Maybe it was looking at pictures of her. I keep her picture as my backdrop on my cell phone so everyday I see her. This afternoon when I was laying down (yes, I often take naps), I could almost hear her little seizure noises. I know I don't feel even half the emptiness that Kristine or Luke does, but it still feels like a wound that is not easily healed. It does make me long for heaven. To see Leah will be a joy that will only be unequaled by the joy of seeing my Savior.

Fridays

Fridays are wonderful. The kids are in school and it's Rick's day off. That combination makes for a fun, relaxing day. Today we had our coffee and tea out by the chicken coop. Watching their antics and enjoying a good conversation is a great start to a Friday. We usually go out to lunch of Friday. Today it is Panera Bread, one of our favorite places. The rest of the day will be filled with yard work, a trip to Home Depot and more home projects. I find myself looking forward to Fridays all week.

Getting Old

Today was a realization of my age. I spent some time today looking at assisted living facilities online for my father and mother-in-law. When Dad gets out of the hospital in the next week or two he most likely will have to be in an assisted living center. It was my first exposure to these kinds of places. I can see a complicated decision for Rick's family in the near future.

Then this morning I started cleaning out our homeschool cabinet. We have not used many things in there for the last 3 or 4 years so it was time to empty it out, throw a lot away, give some of it to my granddaughter and just rearrange. It took a lot of time and it was like walking down memory lane. There were many things from preschool years with the children. Crayons, stamps, clay, stencils, etc. All things that saw a lot of use, was it just yesterday or years ago. In my mind I see Kate sitting at the table coloring or making a book with stamps and construction paper. Some of those treasures surfaced today. It made me feel old. My oldest child is nearing 30. How did that happen. My youngest will be an official teenager in just a couple months. Did I just jump over a few years, not pass go and not collect the money! It sure feels like it.

So in a state of depression I drove to the grocery store to buy cat food and while I was there I decided to pick up a six pack. No, not your usual six pack, but a six pack of diet Dr. Pepper. My favorite soda. I figured I could go home, have one for lunch with chips and then hide the rest so none of my kids would say it's not fair that I got pop and they didn't. That's an old parenting technique that goes back a long ways.

On the drive home, I'm feeling depressed, feeling old and tired and I see a bumper sticker on the car ahead of me. It says, "Inside every old person is a young person" . Wow, I think, that is certainly true. Then I get closer and read the small print. "Inside every old person is a young person, wondering how it happened". I laugh the rest of the way home!

Prayer

These thoughts come from Garry Friesen, a professor at Multnomah University, that he wrote concerning prayer. It really resonated with me so I thought I would share them on my blog.

"Worship songs often bid my heart to sing, but not all of them. Very little in me resonates with the song “Sweet Hour of Prayer.” I’m slowly learning to pray, but when I pray for an hour it rarely feels “sweet”. For me the title is “Slaving Hour of Prayer” or worse, “Sleep during the Hour of Prayer.” An hour of prayer for me most resembles a wrestling match. Like Jacob wrestling with the angel. And I long declare like Jacob, “I will not let you leave until you bless me.” I long to kneel like Epaphras who “agonized in prayer” for the Colossians. Why is the high privilege of prayer so difficult? At Christ’s death the veil in the temple was torn from top to bottom and symbolized that we have free access into the Holy of Holies. Why do my feet hesitate rather than running in and taking hold of the mercy seat? I do not know, but I have an inkling. Perhaps prayer is the the most face to face battle with the enemy of our souls, the great dragon, the serpent of old and no one wants to look a powerful enemy in the eyes. Perhaps prayer is the most absolute act of faith. In prayer my feet go nowhere, but must stand on faith alone. My hands make nothing, but must simply be lifted in utter dependence. My voice does not speak for influence, but must cry out to an invisible Sovereign in childlike weakness. Prayer is a horrible reminder that without Him I can do nothing. “Sovereign Lord, I do believe, help my unbelief.”

New Home for the Chickens

I didn't know I would enjoy these chickens so much. But then my mother tells me it's in the family history. My grandmother loved chickens and usually kept several around. So I guess it's in the genes. I have enjoyed taking care of them and just watching them. Because we got them when only one week old they are very tame. One will jump onto my lap whenever I'm sitting in the chicken run. And speaking of the chicken coop and run -- it's nearly complete. We moved the chickens in last week. It was an event. After getting it all set up, we each got a chicken, paraded across the yard, had our picture taken, and then proceeded to introduce the chickens to their new home. They seem to love it. Room to run, room to peck and do all the things chickens do. I'm so thankful I have a husband who can build such a thing. It turned out perfect. My chickens are happy in their new home and I'm happy being a chicken owner!

Nighttime Thoughts

A nasty pitfall of getting old is having trouble sleeping. In the last few years it's been more of a problem than every before. I have no trouble falling asleep, and usually do within minutes. The problem is waking up after 3 or 4 hours and feeling totally awake. I wouldn't mind getting up between 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. every morning if that didn't mean I'd feel exhausted by dinnertime. Sometimes I can lay awake for an hour or so and then fall back asleep. Last night it was impossible so I finally gave up. I woke up at 3 a.m. and lay there until a little after 4. I tried not to think of the 'to do' list for the day. I tried not to worry about small things. I tried not to worry about big things. But it was all in vain. Everything seems to be magnified at night. The smallest issue can be dwelt on and blown way out of proportion. So finally a little after 4 I got up. The house is quiet, it's cool after all these hot days we've had. A cup of tea and my Bible in hand leads to the joy one feels with starting the day right, albeit maybe a little too early. There are benefits of these early starts. Hearing the birds wake and seeing the sky go from a small streak of light to a gorgeous pink are worth missing a few hours of sleep. Feeling like I can spend hours rather than minutes in God's Word and prayer is worth the sacrifice of lost sleep. So now as 6:00 a.m. rolls around and it's time to get this day going I hope there is the possibility of a nap this afternoon. (no, I did not take this picture)

Chickens

I meant to post on this blog about my new baby chicks, instead I posted to my quilting blog! Oh well, chickens and quilting go together don't they? You can link my quilt blog from here. But here's a couple pictures. They are soooo cute!

The Comfort of Scripture

I couldn't sleep last night. In fact I've slept pretty poorly since my husband has been gone. Tomorrow he returns from Honduras. I suppose if he did this often I would get used to it, but nine days has seemed like a long time and it's affected my sleep. Sometimes it's just being alone when you have gotten used to someone else in the bed, other times it's the worry or concerns of life, and sometimes it's just the knowing that what needs to be done when I get up is almost more than a day can handle. It was probably a little of all three of these last night. And nights are extra long when you just lay there thinking.

Finally at a little after 4:00 a.m. I got up and went down and opened my Bible. I love Scripture. I love the way it speaks to me just where I need it at the moment. This morning was one of those times. I've been reading through the Bible this year and today I was in Psalm 119. Here are the verses that brought delight and comfort:

Psalm 119:147 - I rise before dawn and cry for help; I wait for Your words. My eyes anticipate the night watches, that I may meditate on Your word.

Psalm 119:169-175 - Let my cry come before You, O Lord; Give me understanding according to Your word. Let my supplication come before You; Deliver me according to Your word. Let my lips utter praise, for You teach me Your statutes. Let my tongue sing of Your word, for all Your commandments are righteousness. Let Your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen Your precepts. I long for Your salvation, O Lord, and Your law is my delight. Let my soul live that it may praise You, and let Your ordinances help me.

Difficulties of Family Life

No doubt, the most difficult undertaking in my life (and my husband's too) has been the adoption of our two children from Russia. They came when they were 10 and 13 years old. Those are difficult ages for any child but coupled with a move from a bad environment, a new country and culture and from orphanage to family it's been beyond difficult. We do have good times and days when everything runs smoothly. We also have days that are filled with tension, anger and the hurt from a childhood that was filled with trauma. I guess I would have thought that after 3 years much of that would be behind us. It's not. Today has ranked right up there as one of the worst. I get weary of the battle, yet I also realize that God has put all this in place. He has a plan and purpose to bring salvation to our children, to bring growth and maturity to all our lives and most of all to glorify Himself through it all. So we trudge on!

Saying Goodbye

How does one say goodbye? It can be a wave of the hand or a warm embrace. A goodbye is often filled with tears or the uncertainty of wondering when you might see someone again. There is a lot of emotion in a goodbye in a loved one's death. Today I am filled with that emotion. We had a memorial service for little Leah Grace. She lived for 99 days. Her life was brief but her impact powerful. Her story and life was watched and followed by hundreds of people. She was a fighter. Not expected to live beyond hours, she defied all predictions and lived 99 days. Her service today was a wonderful celebration of her life. Many people came to say goodbye. Some of the sharing from friends and family brought on tears. Callie (my daughter), wrote a song, a lullaby that she performed. Charissa, (another daughter), did the video/slide presentation of Leah. Both were beautiful and filled with emotion. Rick spoke from both a pastor and grandpa's heart. Kristine shared some journal entries that were written in such a beautiful way from a mother's heart. Luke shared with emotion the journey he has been on, and as his mother, it was so very touching. My way to say goodbye, was to create a beautiful quilt with photos of Leah. For all of us it was a tender goodbye to Leah Grace.

Life and Death - A Tribute to Leah Grace Jarmer

I have read that between 150,000 and 250,000 people die each day. Most days I don't think about death and most days I would not know even one of that large number. But today is a day that death touched my world. Today my granddaughter, Leah Grace, died. Even to write those words seems hard. She lived for 99 days. That alone is a miracle since medically speaking she was not even supposed to make it to term much less live that many days. I am so thankful for 99 days. It wasn't enough time for her to accomplish very much physically and yet she may have accomplished more in those 99 days than most people would in 99 years. Her life and struggle became known to many many people. The lessons she taught me were significant, life-changing lessons.

Leah taught me about the value of life. God valued her life even though it was not perfect. Sometime in the last few weeks I read in Luke 18 about the time that the disciples rebuked people for bringing their babies to Jesus and Jesus replies, "don't forbid them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these". Now the kingdom of heaven does truly belong to Leah.

Leah taught me about the value of prayer. I truly believe Leah's gift of 99 days to her family was God's answer to many prayers. God orchestrated in a beautiful way both Leah's birth and her death. Lately we had prayed that Leah's death would be in the arms of a parent and it was. We prayed that both Luke & Kristine would be home with her when she passed and they were. We prayed that Kyla would not have to see the death of her little sister, she was at her other grandma's when Leah passed. We prayed that Luke and Kristine would reach a point of letting go and giving her 'permission' to go be with Jesus. Just the day before Kristine was able to tell Leah, "it's okay to go be with Jesus". Prayer is powerful.

Leah taught me of boldness. I have never been a very bold person in regards to sharing my faith. I'm still not, but Leah's life provided many opportunities to tell of God's faithfulness and love. It is because of our faith that we can endure and walk through this time. Leah was and is a door opener into people's spiritual lives.

Leah taught me of love and selflessness. Her whole live was a huge lesson on unconditional love. She needed total care and our love when she could give nothing in return. The sacrifices that Luke and Kristine made daily spoke volumes to me of the kind of love our heavenly Father has for us. Leah's life brought God glory in that He created her just as she was, it was in God's perfect plan that allowed us to have and love Leah Grace for 99 days.

Leah's life brought hope. The ultimate hope for believers in Jesus is an eternity in heaven. When Leah was first born and we did not think her life would be more than a few days, I was reading one day about King David in the Old Testament and the baby that was born to him and several days later died. He fasted and prayed while the baby lived and pleaded with God to spare his life. When he died, he got up, ate and went and sat in the temple and worshipped God. Those around him were surprised at his reaction but his response was, "the child will no longer come to me, but I will go to him". We will see Leah again in heaven. The reality and truth of that thought gives me comfort and hope.

Leah's life was a lesson in God's sovereignty. Before Leah was born, Luke and I had a dialogue about choices. There are choices we make in life that are high cost and choices that are low cost. Some things we choose have a great impact in life and some a very small impact. Who I choose to marry greatly affects the rest of my life. What I choose to eat for lunch probably only affects how much weight I gain! There are many things, though, where we have no choice in the matter -- God chooses for us. What happens especially in life and death is not our choice but God's choice for us. We did not choose to have Leah born this way. I love what Jim Elliott said years ago before he was martyred for his faith, "God always give his best to those who leave the choice with Him". We often like to think we are in control and that we can orchestrate our lives the way we want. Having a baby like Leah born is a reminder that God is sovereign. God's plan and purpose in Leah's life and death may not ever be fully realized until heaven but we know that He used her to change our hearts and impact many, many people's lives.

I know as time goes on and we move further away from this day certain memories will fade. Pain and grief over our loss will get easier. Forever, though, we will carry little Leah Grace in our hearts. She was greatly loved and will be greatly missed.

3 Months Old

Leah is 3 months old today! It is such a miracle that she is here. She is special, beautiful, sweet, wonderful, precious -- every adjective that can describe a delightful baby applies to her. Her preciousness lies in the fact that every day of her life is a special gift from a loving heavenly Father who has not answered our whys or miraculously healed her but gives strength each day to her parents who care for her. I admire Luke and Kristine through this whole time so very much. To say this is probably the most difficult circumstance they will ever face is probably an understatement. I know it is their faith and trust in God that carries them through. It will change them forever. It will have a great impact in their lives personally and their marriage together. I pray for them daily as they continue to love and care for little Leah. I wish I was more free to help and always have the feeling that the little I can do is never enough. But everytime I hold her and she is between seizures and intently looks at my face, I feel the delightful bond of being so glad I am her grandma and have this time with her. So now we have the joy of celebrating 3 months with my precious granddaughter!

Staycation

I love staycations. They are vacations where you stay home. Now one must not do the normal things that you do at home on a staycation. Keeping the same schedule and busyness is no vacation. No, a staycation must be carefully planned. As much as possible the week must be wiped clean of typical activities. No cleaning, cooking, or running the typical errands. I have had on my calendar for sometime now that this week is a staycation. One of my daughters is gone all week and I've just felt the need for a break. My life has been very busy of late and the list of things I'd like to do is beginning to grow long. Notice it's the list of what I'd 'like' to do. It's not what I must do week in and week out. The problem now is that the list has grown too long and I cannot accomplish it all in one week. Prioritizing and planning will be the key to feeling like my staycation is a success. Stay posted and I'll document my staycation on this blog.

Bird Watching

I love to watch birds. This started when I was pretty young. I remember watching for hours a robin build a nest outside my bedroom window and loving the process of two robins raising their young all within 15 feet of my window. I used to keep a journal of new or unusual bird sightings. My bookshelf still contains a number of bird enthusiast books. I don't take as much time now to watch the birds but hopefully someday there will be a slower paced life and I will once again return to the joy of birdwatching. I think there are lessons to learn from the bird world. Right now I have a robin who has built her nest in a tree outside my studio window and the view of all the workings of raising a family is in plain sight. With robins, at least in the beginning it seems that the mother bird does most of the work. She builds the nest, she sits those long days on those precious eggs. When she does leave the nest for a quick bite to eat, I've noticed the father bird lands on the edge of the nest, but he does not take over keeping the eggs warm. He seems to cock his head from side to side, viewing the eggs, almost as if he's wondering what they are! He may not seem like a very active participant or maybe he is having difficulty attaching to something that is just this round blue object at this point, but he is the protector. If a scrub jay ventures too near he is the first to sound the alarm and rush at his blue predator with a great clamor. Scrub jays are notorious for wiping out robins nests so it's no wonder father bird sounds such alarm. When those chicks finally arive then father bird will get busy. It will seem like there is no end to the feeding, keeping the nest unfouled, and teaching those little ones where the best worms are. A robin's young always seem to leave the nest much too early. They cannot fly and so they hop around chirping to keep mom and dad informed as to where they are and doubtless every other predator like all our cats, some of which seem to have a fond taste for 'baby bird'. One would think that very few baby robins make it to adulthood and I'm sure the mortality rate is high. That's why robins have several batches of young every year. They know the odds of some making it will be greater if they have 2 or 3 nests with 3 or 4 young in each. Sometimes as a parent I forget that a mom and dad's role are different. Usually the mom is more nuturing, more hands on, she usually is the one that puts in all the hours of care. The father's role is often more the provider and protector. I think just as God made it that way in robins He designed our families to function best fulfilling the role we've been given. So next time I'm stewing about all the time I put in taking care of things around the house and my children, I'll remember the robins outside my window and the joy of seeing their family grow and take wings of their own.